Creating something is inherently rewarding.  Whether it's a meal, a clean house, a customer experience, a powerful lesson plan, a high-performing team, or a meaningful relationship; humans love to create.  When we collaborate, we achieve extraordinary things.

But what about your state of being?  Your state of being drives your choices and actions, it affects your physiology, and creates your habits—all for better or worse.  Over time, this cumulative effect shapes who you become.

Reflect on your current life situation—your health, education, job, residence, relationships, and spirituality.  All of these aspects are influenced by your past thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and decisions.  Your state of being defines who you are as a leader and as a person.

Often, we operate on 'default' or automatic mode—what Daniel Kahneman calls the fast mind.  When we are guided by old programming, thought patterns, stereotypes, and emotions, they may not serve us or others effectively and might even be doing damage. 

In our post-pandemic, fast-paced business world, effective leadership is more crucial than ever.  Consider the recent shift towards remote and hybrid work and the rise of artificial intelligence in decision-making and other processes.  Leaders at companies like Google and Microsoft have had to adapt rapidly, creating new cultures and strategies to navigate these changes. It's a reminder that effective leadership starts with a strong foundation within.

In The Purpose-Driven Leadership Program, I share powerful strategies to help you create the state of being you desire and then leverage that in your leadership.  Professional coaching is another strategy strong leaders use to identify their current state of being, clarify the future state of being they desire, and then discover strategies and action-steps to move in that direction so they can become the best person and leader they dream of being.

Instead of asking, “What do I do?” start by asking, "Who do I want to be?" and "How do I become the kind of person who can lead in these challenging times?"  While your creations in various roles at work, home, and elsewhere are important, who you are—your state of being—determines the quality of your creations. 

So, first, create something more fundamental:  Create you.

If you found this week's blog inspiring, please share it with your family, friends, and colleagues.  Join me on my journey to empower and inspire millions around the globe.  I'm on a mission to partner with like-minded leaders who want to make a positive difference in the world.

Together, we can spread words of encouragement, inspiration, empowerment, and loving leadership.  Our world could sure use more positivity, meaning and purpose, and lives grounded in values these days—especially in leadership.

Together we can make a difference!

Today is one of those solemn holidays when we should each pause for a moment and remember and honor all of the service members and veterans who died while in service to the United States during peace and war. 

While springtime tributes known as Decoration Day for fallen military began not long after the Civil War, Memorial Day did not become an official federal holiday until 1971. 

National Moment of Remembrance
Many people are not aware that in 2000, a resolution was passed and President Bill Clinton issued the National Moment of Remembrance memorandum which asks that at 3 PM local time, for all Americans "to remember and reflect on the sacrifices made by so many to provide freedom for all"—something more of us should do in these volatile political times and when so many are positing views so antithetical to our fallen heroes, national values, and hard-fought democracy.

Why are red poppies worn on Memorial Day?
Another custom many people are not aware of is the wearing of red poppies.  The red poppy became a symbol of veteran sacrifice during WW1 when a soldier and Canadian surgeon, Lt. Colonel John McCrae, wrote the poem, In Flanders Field.  It opens:

Then, in 1918 Moina Michael wrote a tribute poem to honor McCrae's original and was inspired to make the red poppy a symbol for remembering WWI's fallen soldiers.  One line from her poem, We Shall Keep the Faith, reads:

If you want to learn more about the history of poppies and Memorial Day, I highly recommend Cassandra Crosby's article, The Significance of Poppies.

How many have sacrificed?
The US military has recorded nearly 1.3M battle and non-combat deaths from 1775-2022.  They died in service of our nation and our Constitution honoring a sacred oath.  I took that oath to defend our Constitution in 1983 when I served as a Combat Medic/Practical Nurse in the US Army:

Today, let us not only honor those who died in service of the United States, but what they defended for us:  Our Constitution, our values, and our freedoms and rights.

God bless the United States our service members!

As International Coaching Week comes to a close, I wanted to put a focus on coaching.  There are many myths and misperceptions about coaching.  In this week's blog, I will walk you through five of them.  But first, what is coaching?

The International Coaching Federation or ICF is the world's leading organization for coaches and coaching.  The ICF is dedicated to advancing the coaching profession by setting high standards, providing independent certification, and building a worldwide network of trained coaching professionals.  I hold my Associate Certified Coaches (ACC) credential with the ICF.  The following is how the ICF defines coaching:

The process of coaching often unlocks previously untapped sources of imagination, productivity and leadership.  We all have goals we want to reach, challenges we’re striving to overcome, and times when we feel stuck. Partnering with a coach can change your life, setting you on a path to greater personal and professional fulfillment and success.

So walk with me for just a couple of minutes and explore five myths about coaching. 

MYTH #1:  Coaching is only for people with a problem(s).
Journalist and communications expert, Abigail Pickus, had this to say about coaching, "Who, exactly, seeks out a coach?  If you ask a coach the answer is usually the same:  Winners who want even more out of life."  That echoes what Stephen Curry said in our opening quote.

Most of my clients are either relatively successful compared to other leaders or very successful leaders who are either focusing on a specific Big Hairy Audacious Goal (BHAG) or a project and/or are seeking to develop or even transform their leadership and their life.  In one organization where I used to internally coach leaders, our HR department had an unofficial policy that our coaching services were not to be used for remedial purposes and/or for any leader on a PIP or whose last performance review was less than a 'meets expectations.'  They simply didn't want to waste the valuable resource of an experienced coach on someone with a high risk of departing the organization.

But that doesn't mean that those types of individuals or even those with problems won't benefit from coaching.  They absolutely will.  Some people partner with me for a shorter time to specifically focus on a distinct problem or challenge.  As the ICF states in the definition above, the goal of coaching is to "maximize their personal and professional potential."

MYTH #2:  Coaching is really expensive.
Compare the cost of a training course or leadership development program.  One or two-day workshops can run as low as around $300 to some well over $3000.  Full-blown leadership development programs can run from $1500 to some running over $15K or even more. 

There may be travel, hotel, and meal expenses.  If you're enrolling in something internally, when you factor in the costs of the facilitator's salary and benefits and the time it took to develop and deliver the content, the costs can be even higher. 

A coach only bills for actual coaching hours and there's almost never any travel expenses since most coaching is done virtually, these days.

Both training and coaching are valuable when matched to meet the needs of people.  You can even engage with both at the same time adding a catalyst effect for both.

Coaching is an excellent investment.  But what's the ROI?

According to the 2009 ICF Global Coaching Client Study :

• 86% of companies that could calculate their return on investment (ROI) said that they at least made back their initial investment
  
• 28% saw an ROI of 10-49 times the investment
• 19% indicated an ROI of 50 times the investment
• The median ROI is 7 times the investment

The iPEC report mentioned above states that figures of between 500% and 700% commonly reported as being a reliable ROI for executive coaching.

And who you hire matters.  It's like anything else you buy or anything else you invest in:  You get what you pay for. 

Certified coaches with experience and higher education, especially for leadership and executive coaching, are simply going to require a slightly larger investment.  It's hard to put a value on years of coaching experience, years of study and continuing education, and other professional and life experience.

Coaching is an investment in your leadership and yourself.  One of the key differences about coaching and some other offerings you get as a leader, is that what you learn and take-away from coaching will last you a lifetime.

MYTH #3:  Coaching is the same as consulting, training, therapy, or mentoring.
On my webpage, More About Coaching With Alan, I share two short videos that are also on my YouTube channel:

• What is Coaching? (02:29)
• The Coaching Process (06:28)

In the first video, I not only answer what coaching is, I distinguish it from what coaching is not using the above graphic.  Coaching is distinctly different from either consulting, training, therapy, and mentoring.  The second video then walks through the process of coaching and after watching them both, you will see how different coaching is from any other professional service.

Finally, if you're interested in learning what coaching would be like with me, feel free to watch my introduction video as a coach: A Message from Alan

MYTH #4:  Coaches will just give me advice and have all the answers and/or will set the agenda or present a coaching program to me.
This might actually be true for coaches not certified through the ICF.  However, a coach certified through the ICF takes a pledge to the ICF Code of Ethics and Standards of Behavior. 

One of the key elements of ICF coaching that sets it apart from other professional services and other types of "coaching," is that the coach does not give advice or set the agenda.  A strong ICF certified coach partners with you in a way that let's you establish your overall coaching plan, goals, and how you want to measure success.  In other words, you are in the driver's seat.  The focus is 100% on empowering you!

MYTH #5:  Coaching is only for senior leaders or executives.
Coaching is for anyone and everyone.  Period.  While my primary clients are leaders, I have coached many clients who are not. 

Some of my clients have been what are termed accidental managers.  But I have coached people from all walks of life and from all levels of management and leadership, including those on the frontline and those in the C-suite.

In a blog just a few weeks ago,  Values & Purpose (Still) Matter, I wrote about a surprising finding from a 2019 study:  It is middle managers and professionals who drive meaning and purpose at work and the greater financial gains that high purpose-clarity organizations have over other companies.  It makes sense that these middle managers and professionals could add significantly more to the equation with coaching and targeted development.

Concluding Thoughts
Coaching is a powerful tool for anyone seeking to enhance performance and development and amplify their personal and/or professional effectiveness.  You can use it to discover strengths, build resiliency, develop skills and discover strategies to leverage them.  Coaching builds awareness, empowers you to be in the driver's seat, and leads to positive change.  And yes, it can empower you to overcome problems and tackle challenges through revelations, strategies, and actions yet to be discovered and leveraged.

Maximize your potential with coaching.  Discover new ways to flourish and become your best self!

To learn more about coaching with me, visit my Coaching With Alan webpage.

Finally, I want to share a short reflection video I created for those who may be considering coaching.  It's also on my Coaching With Alan webpage and YouTube channel.

I started receiving Mike Dooley's Notes from the Universe  sometime in the very early 2000s.  I received the above note back in early April and saved it in my Inbox until now.  I've re-read it several times over the past month and I wanted to share it with you—and also to encourage you to join the over 1.2M people who receive The Notes every weekday all around the world.

And while I do agree with Mike that the essence of changing what you have and who you are begins with your thoughts, sometimes changing some, or even most, of them can be quite challenging. 

The Challenge with Changing Thoughts
Thoughts are comprised of internal physical and emotional perceptions and external physical perceptions (from the five senses) coming from the environment that form into cognitions, ideas, judgements, opinions, beliefs, and even our perspectives.  When we think certain thoughts over and over again, we form longer-lasting thoughts we call attitudes.  Add in automatic thoughts, thought-patterns, habits, beliefs, and biases, and I think you can see why I think there might be an ease<—>challenging continuum to changing our thoughts.  And, did you know that almost every thought we have is formed automatically and out of awareness?

Nikolas Dimitriadis and Alexandros Psychogios report in their book, Neuroscience for Leaders: A brain-adaptive leadership approach, that
neuroscientific and psychological research has estimated that only 1-2% of total brain activity is at any level of conscious awareness—what psychology calls controlled processing.  That means that a whopping 98-99% of brain activity is completely automatic processing—or what old-school psychology used to call unconscious. 

The science also reveals that 95% of our decisions are automatic!  One example is renowned Harvard Business School Professor of Business Administration Gerald Zaltman's findings.  He said, "However, in consumers’ purchasing choices, 95 percent of the decision-making process takes place below the conscious level."

There's evidence that the gut microbiome affects thoughts, with psychologists and neuroscientist now calling that the gut-brain axis.  Our physical state of being can drive emotions and thoughts, too.  Ever been really hangry?  Or sleep-deprived for several days in a row?

But we do know that emotions can drive thoughts and thoughts can drive emotions and that emotions are the biggest driver of behavior.  So, the cognitive-emotive connection must be considered if we want any meaningful change.

So, for some of us, if not for all of us, changing at least some or maybe even most of our thoughts could be quite challenging.

But not impossible by any stretch!  Dr. Wayne Dyer has a bestselling book by the name, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life and there are countless books, blogs, and articles about how that is true. 

It does, however, take practice—distributed and deliberate practice, to be specific.  And that kind of practice takes self-awareness, self-examination, and a new alertness to your environment and how you interact with it.  It might even be helpful to get some feedback from others close to you for additional perspective.  But when you identify what thoughts, feelings, perspectives, attitudes, or automatic thoughts you want to change, it's most likely going to take some practice.  We have to think about thinking or what's called metacognition.

Distributed Practice
Distributed practice is a learning technique where practice occurs in multiple short sessions over a long period of time.  It has been proven to be the best studying method for effective learning that lasts.  It's also known as spaced repetition or spaced practice.

Cognitive scientists and educational researchers and practitioners have long known that if your goal is to get information into long-term memory and have it available to you in both predictable and novel situations and environments, then spacing review and reflection of that information and practicing it repeatedly over time are the most effective way to achieve that.

Deliberate Practice
Deliberate practice is a little different.  Remember Malcolm Gladwell 's 10,000-Hour Rule?  He popularized it in his book Outliers: The Story of Success.   Gladwell’s catchy rule contends that it takes ten-thousand hours of practice to become a master in most fields.

However, the authors behind the original research study on which Gladwell primarily based his figures claim that his interpretation wasn't actually accurate.  The study reported on a group of violin students at a prestigious music academy in Berlin.  They found that the most accomplished of those students had put in an average of ten thousand hours of practice by the time they were twenty years old. 

First, they were students and not even close to being masters.  Second, that figure is the average number of hours of practice for the best students at twenty years old.  This means that the average best student was ahead of about half of the other best students, but still behind the upper half (in terms of practice hours put in over their lifetime up to that point).  Most importantly, what the authors actually describe and point out is that the students had been engaging in what is known as deliberate practice.

Deliberate practice involves constantly pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone, following training activities designed by an expert to develop specific abilities, and using feedback to identify weaknesses and work on them.   Once someone puts in the hours and hours of repetition to become proficient in rote skills like hand placement and scales by distributed practice, deliberate practice practice sessions are integrated into their practice regimen challenging the student to go to new levels.

Schedule It!
So, if we're trying to change our thoughts in order to change what we do in order to get what we want, we're probably looking at altering something or some things in our morning, daily, evening, and nightly routines and rituals.  We may decide that we need to have study time or use tools, like positive affirmations, To-Do List apps, and other strategies, that we repeat on a regular basis.  We may need to get creative and/or read up a little about what we really want to change or take a course or enroll in a developmental program.  We may decide we want to engage with a professional, like a therapist or a coach. 

All GOATs, like a Tom Brady, have a coach or coaches to help them grow, change, and develop new thoughts, behaviors, rituals, and practices.  Coaching is for winners who want to get better and stay ahead of their rivals or competition and/or so they can continue pursuing even higher levels of impact and success.

Whatever tools and/or strategies we choose, it is important to schedule both distributed and deliberate practice in our calendars and/or set reminders to practice new behaviors, conduct thought-reflections, contemplate, say affirmations, visualizing, and practice routines and rituals.  Some may simply need to be scheduled temporarily until strong habits are formed and others we may need to block out on a more permanent basis.

Conclusion
Changing thoughts—especially automatic thoughts—thought-patterns, attitudes, habits, and the like, can be challenging.  It takes self-awareness and metacognition.  And, it takes practice—first, distributed practice and then, adding deliberate practice which will need repetition, too.  You can learn more about distributed and deliberate practice (and so much more!) in my Purpose-Driven Leadership Program.  Finally, using our calendars and reminders and other To-Do List tools can greatly boosts our chances of success.

Values Clarity & Congruency's Impact on Work Outcomes
Values clarification originated in the United State’s education system in the 1950’s by Louis Raths.  It migrated into psychology by such figures as Lawrence Kohlberg in his moral development theory and by Carl Rogers into psychotherapy.  But it wasn’t until the 1980’s and 90’s that it became popular in both cognitive-behavioral and other forms of therapy and in the self-help industry.  It eventually made it’s way into business through human resources and organizational and leadership development work.

Jim Kouzes and Barry Posner have been studying exemplary leaders for over 30 years.  They advance their finding that the most admired leaders have one quality that stands out above all others:  They have strong beliefs about matters of principle—they have a clear set of values that they live and lead by.

They point out in their book, The Leadership Challenge Sixth Edition: How to Make Extraordinary Things Happen in Organizations, that leaders who express clarity about their own personal values are significantly more committed to their organization than those who are not.  Clarity of personal values also positively impacted outcomes such as  job satisfaction, turnover intention, and organizational pride. 

While clarity of organizational values also had some impact, it was personal values that made the difference.  Absent clarity of personal values, being clear on organizational values did not by itself significantly impact those metrics.  The studies they drew on came from 1990 and replicated again in 2010.

Fast-forward to January of this year when Posner and Han extend these findings in a new study with a more global and much larger sample size.  They focused on the impact that personal values' congruency, or the level of agreement or consistency between personal and organizational values, and organizational values clarity had on organizational commitment, motivation, and productivity.

What did they find?
Personal values congruency had a greater impact on organizational commitment, while the opposite was for true for motivation.  Motivation, like "I would work harder and for longer hours if the job demanded it," was impacted more by clarity of organizational values.  They both had an equally important impact on productivity. 

The authors said, "The lowest levels of commitment, motivation, and productivity were consistently found among those respondents who were low on both personal values congruency and organizational values clarity."

So, values (still) matter.

Purpose & Meaning at Work
I don't have to tell you (again) how employees today are craving deeper meaning and purpose at work and all of the metrics that greater meaning and purpose at work impact.  But I want to draw your attention to the bottom line:  Financial performance.

In a 2019 study, Corporate Purpose and Financial Performance, researchers were given access to the Great Places to Work Institute's, massive database.  They conducted a data analysis of survey responses from nearly 500,000 employee's, from over 400 organizations, and at all levels within the organizations.  The data spanned six years.  Financial performance was assessed via operating return on assets (ROA) and Tobin's Q.

What did they find?
First, they identified two types of organizations with greater meaning and purpose: 

• High purpose-camaraderie organizations.  High purpose-camaraderie organizations are fun places to work that have greater feelings of team cohesiveness or where it feels like family. 
• High purpose-clarity organizations.  High purpose-clarity organizations, on the other hand, are places where expectations, strategy, and direction are clear.

Which one had the superior accounting & stock performance?
High purpose-clarity organizations—and with up to a nearly 8% annual risk-adjusted stock return advantage. 

A Surprising Discovery
And here's the surprising discovery:  While senior executives reported the highest meaning and purpose at work (like you might expect), it was middle managers who drove meaning and purpose, and therefore the greater financial gains.  The authors put it this way, "It is solely the middle managers and salaried professionals that drive the relation between high purpose-clarity organizations and financial performance."

Purpose (still) matters.

Conclusion
Clarity and congruity of personal core values, organizational values, and meaning and purpose at work still matters.  Senior executives need to realize and leverage the role that mid-level professionals and managers play in the interplay between them and key outcome metrics such as engagement, organizational commitment,  job satisfaction, turnover intention, organizational pride, motivation, productivity, and financial outcomes.

The Purpose-Driven Leadership Program can help you do that.  It is a unique, powerful, enriching, empirically-driven, and engaging leadership developmental experience.  Leaders who have gone through the program have called it "great," "engaging," "strong," and "brilliant."  It can be delivered completely online and on-demand, hybrid, or as in-person workshops—whichever best meets you and your team's needs.

Reach out to me today:  Alan Mikolaj's Contact Information

In the ever-evolving journey of leadership, a new archetype has emerged, one that embodies the essence of love, service, and continuous growth.  Let me introduce you to Sarah, a fictional character who embodies the qualities of what we may call a New Millennial Leader.  As we embark on a journey through her leadership style, we'll uncover the transformative power of aligning vision, fostering genuine connections, and embracing the present moment.
 
Setting the Stage
Sarah's story begins with a childhood passion for music, a journey that taught her the art of discipline, concentration, and patience.  Just like mastering an instrument, leadership demands dedication and a willingness to learn.  As Eric Fromm aptly puts it when describing the art of love, leadership too is an art—one that requires awareness and continuous practice.
 
Defining the Journey
Sarah, our Modern Leader, is on a mission—a mission to serve others and contribute to something bigger than herself.  She understands that success isn't just about personal achievements but about making a meaningful impact on the lives of others. With her life mission, leadership philosophy, and core values always at the center, her Leadership GPS is always on.  She navigates through life with clarity, meaning, and purpose.
 
Living with Intention
Each day, Sarah takes time to reflect on her vision, mission, and purpose.  She doesn't just think about them; she feels them deeply, visualizing the manifestation of her goals and embracing the emotional fire that drives her forward. Through gratitude practices and self-awareness, she realigns herself whenever she strays off course, choosing positivity over negativity.
 
Leading with Love
At the core of Sarah's leadership philosophy is love and service—love for her work, love for her team, and love for humanity.  She listens empathically, communicates authentically, and nurtures genuine connections.  Her team feels valued, supported, and inspired to excel, knowing that their leader genuinely cares about their well-being.
 
Cultivating Integrity
Integrity is the cornerstone of Sarah's leadership.  She leads by example, upholding the highest ethical standards and fostering an environment of trust and accountability.  Her genuine demeanor and transparency inspire confidence in her team, creating a culture of integrity and excellence.
 
Embracing the Present
Sarah lives in the now, fully immersed in each moment. While she sets goals and plans for the future, she understands the importance of being present and adaptable. She forgives past mistakes, learns from them, and approaches each day with optimism and resilience.
 
Radiating Joy
Perhaps the most remarkable quality of Sarah is her happiness—a genuine, deep-seated joy that emanates from her being.  She finds joy in the simplest of moments, spreading positivity wherever she goes.  Her infectious energy uplifts those around her, creating a ripple effect of happiness and fulfillment.
 
Becoming a New Millennial Leader
As Lao-tzu wisely said, "The greatest leaders are those the people hardly know exist." Sarah epitomizes this sentiment, leading with humility, compassion, and grace.  Her journey serves as an inspiration for us all to become a New Millennial Leader—leaders who prioritize love, service, and growth in every aspect of their lives.
 
Do you want to make a profound impact?
In a world hungry for authentic leadership, Sarah stands as a beacon of hope—a reminder that true leadership is not about titles or accolades but about the profound impact we have on the lives of others.  As we embark on our own leadership journey, may we strive to embody the qualities of Sarah—a New Millennial Leader who leads with love, serves with humility, and inspires with authenticity.

We have been learning lessons about empathic or active listening for the past two weeks.  We finish that conversation this week. 

Two weeks ago in lesson one of empathic listening, we learned that silence is the foundation of empathic listening.  Last week, we discovered that lessons two and three were casting the bait and getting the story, respectively.

This week, we explore the final lessons of empathic listening:  Validation, Define the Problem, and Resolution.

Remember, that empathic listening is best used:

• When the other person is emotional (e.g., anxious, joyous),
• The subject matter seems to have great value or meaning for the other, or;
• The person is speaking from their heart.
  

Download my free infographic on empathic listening at the end!

Lesson #4:  Validate
Validation is the heart of not only great empathic listening, but of healthy human growth and development, wellbeing, and longevity. 

What is it?  Validation is communicating to another person, even a child, that their responses, particularly their emotional responses, are understandable given the situation or context of what they're going through or have been through. 

Sadly, it's not common enough.  Lack of validation as a child is associated with becoming emotionally dysregulated as an adult.  And as adults, not receiving it from friends has been found to be associated with shorter telomeres; an indicator of premature aging.  Invalidating relationships hurt us physically and emotionally.

What are some typical validations?  

• “It makes sense you feel…”
• “I think I would feel ‘X’ if that happened to me, too.”
• “I think anyone would feel ‘X’ if that happened to them.”
• "It makes sense that you feel that way."

Rarely, you might want to give someone an alternative perspective or add to what they just shared.  After you have validated their perspective, you might start by asking, "May I have your permission to add something to that?"

Emotions
Validation at its heart is emotional validation.  As we listen empathically, we stay particularly aware of emotions—both our own and those of the other.  Emotions guide us to meaning and are the motivator of behavior.  While there are differing views among experts and Disney revealed only five emotions in the wonderful movie, Inside Out, Dr. Paul Ekman's classic identification of six basic emotions remains the most elegant and simple:

• Enjoyment or joy
• Fear
• Sadness
• Anger
• Disgust
• Surprise (Disney missed this one!)

He also identified seven universal facial expressions of emotions including those above plus contempt.

So, having a heads-up to basic emotions, gives you the starting point language for anticipating what someone might be feeling as they describe their experience. 

Validation is one of the most powerful empathic listening tools, or what humanistic psychology calls, a reflective statement.  Hearing a validation or a reflective statement from someone can be extremely powerful.

Lesson #5: Define the Problem
You can validate at key points as someone tells you their story but at some point that story is going to start coming to a close.  When that happens, this is a time that you can unsilence your mind and prepare to define the problem.  To transition from Getting the Story and validation, you might say something like, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I'm understanding you correctly..." or "If I heard you right..."

Then, you are going to posit an overarching definition of the problem with a reflective statement. 

The basic formula for a reflective statement is, "You feel X because Y."  Variations could be:

• "If I understand this right, you’re feeling X because of Y."
• "It seems like the problem is…"
• "What you’re saying concerns you the most is X and it's making you feel Y."
• "If I had experienced [FILL IN THE BLANK],  I think I would feel [FILL IN THE BLANK], too."

I remember a time before Da Boys were born when a former boss used a reflective statement defining an issue I had at the time.  After I had shared my thoughts and feelings about my wife and I considering having a child, she said, “You must be a little frightened by the thought of having another child now that you’re a little older and already have grown kids.”  My heart warmed and I instantly felt freed.  I also felt deep appreciation for her understanding and caring.

The reason they are so powerful is that when you express a reflective statement, the other person hears their problem or situation as they are experiencing it from someone else.  It's usually the first time that someone expressed true understanding and communicated it back accurately.  It can be eye-opening. 

In response to such statements, you will often either hear a "Yes" or a "No."  Sometimes, even though you got it right and they realize that you did, just hearing it back can immediately reframe their perspective and they'll say "No" and adjust their response back to you.

The feeling of truly being listened to and understood fosters appreciation, admiration, and greater self-awareness.

Lesson #6:  The Solution
Charles Kettering once said, "A problem well-stated is a problem half solved."  That is true of a good reflective statement.  If you hear some type of affirmative response to your reflective statement,  the next thing to do in an empathic conversation is to help the person find a solution by asking any number of questions to get them started:

• "What have you tried so far to resolve this?"
• “What’s the best thing you can do under the circumstances?”
• What does moving forward look like?
• If when you went to sleep tonight a miracle occurred overnight and this was completely resolved/achieved… what would have had to have changed?
• What’s the first step?
• What are three ways to approach this? Which one feels like something you could do?
• “What are your best options for resolving this?”
• “What are the most constructive, productive actions you can take?"

And my personal favorite, The Overnight Miracle Question:  "If when you went to sleep tonight a miracle occurred overnight and when you woke up this was completely resolved (achieved)… What would have had to have changed?"

The empathic listener does not offer advice or easy solutions.  Instead, continue to use empathic listening to help someone arrive at their own solution.  As we empathically listen, reflect, and help clarify, the person reframes their problem more clearly and comes up with their own solution.   Solutions they hadn’t seen before may become readily apparent—and because they weren’t given advice, talked down to, judged, or given an easy solution to try, they now have strong ownership of the solution.
We can invite self-accountability with things like:

• Offering them a WWW:  "Who?  What?  When?"
• "How will you keep check on your progress?"
• "Who can support you in this?"
• ”What do you need?"
• "What more do you need?"
• "What obstacles might get in the way of you doing this?"
• "Do you believe you can do this?"

Finally, ask them to give you a recap or summary of their action-plan.

Benefits of Empathy
Research on empathy demonstrates clear benefits for both the speaker and the listener. 

As a leader who chooses to listen with empathy or love, we get to share the joys of others and feel good about giving someone an opportunity to talk about something important and resolve it.  Another perk is that we are prized by those we listen to.  They come to see us as someone who cares about them and understands them.  We are someone they can go to and rely on in times of need.

The benefits for the other who is being listened to, experience a profound feeling of being heard and understood.  This has a calming effect that facilitates further opening up, intimacy, and appreciation.  This fosters relationships – not just with us, but with others, as well.  They feel less alone and less isolated and more connected.  They feel happier and happier people are healthier, too.  Finally, empathic listening helps makes sense of a puzzling situation or experience.  They can more easily see solutions or steps towards solutions that they may have never seen before.  They get more work done.

Researchers report that empathic managers tended to have employees who reported less physical illness (somatic) complaints, were more positive and happy, and who felt like they made more progress on their daily work goals than employees of non-empathic managers did.

The Six Steps of Empathic Listening

1. Silence.  Silence is the foundation of empathic listening.  We must not only quiet our mouths but also silence our inner chatter—the thoughts, judgments, stories, and distractions that often clutter our minds. 
2. Cast the Bait. We start with noticing and asking if they would like to talk about it.
3. Get the Story.  Become like an investigative reporter and try to get the story.  Be curious and ask lots of questions that will help you and the person go deeper and co-discover everything you can about the problem or issue.  Use open-ended questions and avoid why questions.
4. Validate.  Communicating back to the person that their responses, particularly their emotional responses, are understandable given the situation or context of what they're going through or have been through. 
5. Define the Problem.  Posit an overarching definition of the problem with a reflective statement. 
6. Find Their Solution.  Use empathic listening to help someone arrive at their own solution.  Ask questions that help them define action steps, resources they'll need, how they will hold themselves accountable, and how they will know if they are successful.

Download my free infographic below.

We continue our exploration of the art of listening and how to leverage its transformative power in our personal and professional lives.  To that effect, I want to back up just a bit.

I want to say that while empathic listening can be used any time, it is best reserved for times when someone is emotionally charged (positive or negative) and/or when the subject matter is deeply important to the individual.  While we most often associate empathic listening with negative issues, feelings, and experiences, you can absolutely celebrate something wonderful someone has experienced using empathic or active listening techniques.

We learned last week that silence is the foundation of empathic listening and curiosity just might be the first brick to lay on that foundation.  So with that in mind, how do I even start an empathic conversation with someone?

Empathic Listening Lesson #2: Casting the Bait
Some people are secretly and quietly (maybe even desperately), wanting someone to talk to about an issue.  Others are not.  If you have suspicions or outright evidence that someone might need someone to talk to and truly listen to them, we start with curiosity by casting the bait.  We start with noticing.  Start by saying or asking something like:

• "It seems like you have some concerns about... "
• "It sounds like you're... "
• "I've noticed that... "
• “I was wondering what your thoughts were about… ”
• "Would you like to talk about it?"

Opening up by casting the bait demonstrates dignity and respect for someone.  We aren't assuming anything.  We approach with curiosity and sensitivity for the other.  We are creating a potential sacred space for them, if they want it.

If they take the bait and want to talk, they will.  If not, we respect that and say something like, “My door is always open if you change your mind.”

Empathic Listening Lesson #3:  Get the Story
Dr. Stephen Covey famously said "Diagnose before you prescribe."  Every single profession that involves any type of problem-solving—law, medicine, sales, etc.—without exception, always first seeks to understand before taking any action.  Understanding always precedes judgement.  Lawyers go through a discovery process, which often includes building the opposing arguments case, too.  Doctors examine, test, and diagnose before they prescribe drugs or treatment.  Educators often do pre-assessment testing before teaching.

Most people don't listen to understand.  They listen to reply or to influence or get their way.  So like we said last week, when we actively listen, not only must we be curious, we have to be silent.  Not just physically silent, but quiet our mind, our judgements, and any urge to reply with our own stories, too.  So, we become like an investigative reporter and try to get the story.  And what do good investigative reporters do?  They ask questions and then shut up and let the person talk.

Some general guidelines as you start an empathic conversation:

• If you're not in an appropriate place, offer to move to one that is.
• Be mindful of personal space.
• Use open and genuine body language.
• Pay attention to your tone of voice.

Then, help the person start to tell their story by asking questions like these:

• “What seems to be the problem?”
• “What happened?”
• “Who…?”
• “How long?”
• “When…?”
• “What did you do?”
• “What broke the camel’s back?”

Help them to clarify their experience, thoughts, feelings, things that happened—their perspective of the issue or event(s).

Avoid "Why?" questions.  Why avoid why questions?  What word starts the answer to almost every 'why' question?  Because.  And the word because is a defense and the last thing we want someone to do during active listening is to become defensive.  Defensiveness is the first stage of anxiety, anger, and crisis.

Use the 7-Second Rule after asking a question.  Wait for seven seconds before saying or asking anything else.  Instead, try something like, “I can’t hear what you’re thinking.”  Use “Really?” “Uh-huh…” “I see…” “Hmmm..” often. 

As they speak, let go of your own thoughts, what you would do, how it would make you feel, etc.  Dig deep into what happened and how that was for them.  Avoid the temptation to share your “Bigger Fish” story and don't offer possible solutions or give advice.

Use open-ended questions to further discussion and exploration.  Closed-ended (yes/no) questions tend to close down discussion.  For every level of volume the person goes up, step down your volume one level.  Ask questions that help them gain perspective.

After key statements or conclusions, it's okay to use paraphrasing or even repeating back what someone has said and then pausing to see how it lands. 

Avoid and be wary of saying exaggerating words like must, should, always, and never.  And when someone else uses them, consider just mirroring back the single exaggerating word in the form of a question.  For example:

• She says, "He never takes out the trash!"
• You ask, "Never?" and let silence hang.

Finally, don't assume what someone else is thinking or feeling.  Be non-judgmental. 

When we integrate these strategies into our active or empathic listening conversations, we create a safe and sacred space for both people; one where someone can truly share without judgement, advice, or having it contaminated by someone else's story. 

Just remember, it's not about the nail.

It was late Monday morning as I drove into a haven nestled in the Texas Medical Center: St. Dominic Village.  It's a Catholic retirement and retreat facility and the peace was palpable as I drove towards the Joseph A. Fiorenza Priest Residence building.  I was going to meet an old friend who I had met many years ago when I was in the seminary and hadn't seen in some years. 

As I cozied into a soft couch, we began to talk and catch-up.  After a few minutes, I suddenly became aware that he was doing something I routinely do in coaching: He was really listening.  It felt like the tables had been pleasantly turned on me.  I hadn't been listened to like that in a while.  He would ask a question and then be silent—not just physically silent, but it was apparent that his mind and spirit were quiet too; listening without judgement or agenda.  I was given a rare gift that day and I am grateful for it and I am grateful for him and his friendship.

The Anagram of Empathic Listening
Silence is the foundation of empathic listening.  It's intriguing how the words silent and listen share the same letters, emphasizing the symbiotic relationship between the two.  To truly listen like my friend did with me, we must not only quiet our mouths but also silence our inner chatter—the thoughts, judgments, stories, and distractions that often clutter our minds. 

The Bigger Fish Story Syndrome
Consider the phenomenon of the "Bigger Fish Story Syndrome," when instead of fully engaging with the speaker, we're preoccupied with formulating our response or recounting our own experiences, usually to one-up them.  While I'm telling you about the big fish I caught this past weekend, you're already gearing up in your mind about the bigger fish you caught a year ago.

This self-centered approach inhibits genuine communication, perpetuating what psychologist Carolyn Schwartz aptly terms the "dyadic monologue culture."  I share something that's bothering me and you say, "That's too bad.  Let me talk about what's bothering me." 

Bracketing
True listening requires discipline, as psychiatrist Dr. M. Scott  Peck suggests.  He called it bracketing, "the temporary giving up or setting aside of one’s own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker’s world from the inside, inside his or her shoes.”  By embracing this practice, we create an open space for curiosity and new knowledge, respect, appreciation, and growth.

In his poignant description, psychologist Dan Gottlieb highlights the transformative power of silence for him, "There was a new silence inside me, and in the silence I was able to hear people’s hearts.  We can only hear with our heart when the noises of the ego are quiet.  That’s when we’re open...  It can be found when we listen with our hearts." 

Thus, to listen effectively, we must heed the anagram of listen and be silent, allowing us to listen with our hearts.

Stress, Executive Functioning, & Listening
The executive functions of the frontal lobes play a pivotal role in empathic listening.  In addition to the higher abilities of conceptual thinking, recognizing and learning patterns, decision-making, planning, and organization, one of the most important executive functions of the frontal lobe is inhibition.  It is because of our frontal lobes that we can inhibit and delay thoughts and actions in order to delay higher-order gratification and outcomes.  That is why empathic listening is such work.  We have to make the choice to inhibit our thoughts, emotions, and actions—one of the highest functions of our intellect—and that will take practice.

Stress and other negative states and emotions restricts blood flow to our frontal lobes, and therefore, impedes the functioning of our executive functions.  So, like my friend, we must quiet our mouth, our mind, our heart, and our spirit in order to fully empathically listen.

Meditate to Regenerate
To hone our empathic listening skills, we can cultivate mindfulness through practices like breath work, meditation, contemplation, and yoga.  By focusing on our breath and clearing our minds, we reduce stress and enhance our ability to silence distractions and attune ourselves to others.

Basic meditation offers a simple yet powerful technique to cultivate silence and enhance inhibition.  By dedicating just five to ten minutes daily to mindful breathing and awareness, we prepare ourselves to be better listeners, creating an empty space that invites genuine connection and understanding.

In the realm of empathic listening, silence isn't empty; it's full of potential.  It's a space where hearts connect, minds engage, and understanding blossoms. So let's embrace the silent art of listening and unlock its transformative power in our personal and professional lives.

The most effective leaders are committed to developing their team members and helping them reach professional goals—and let's be real, helping them to be more successful means you can all go out for fancier team lunches. 

And the bedrock of developing direct reports?  Feedback — effective feedback.

Knowing how to effectively deliver feedback not only grows and develops your team, it boosts engagement, team success, and your reputation as a leader. Plus, it reduces the chances of you hiding in the break room to avoid awkward encounters.

But how do you deliver effective feedback?
Below are  eight tips or strategies to use as a springboard to help you deliver more effective feedback.

1)  Create a psychologically safe environment and team culture.
Dedication to creating psychological safety is a must for effective feedback.  Elif Suner, a member of the Forbes Coaches Council, said in a recent article, "This dedication to psychological safety guarantees that direct reports will not only accept feedback, but also embrace it with warmth and openness."

By encouraging the sharing of ideas and perspectives without the fear of repercussions and encouraging healthy and productive conflict and discussions, you lay the groundwork for providing feedback in a safe, goal-oriented manner.

You can learn more about creating a psychologically safe workplace in this article from the Center for Creative Leadership:  What Is Psychological Safety at Work? How Leaders Can Build Psychologically Safe Workplaces.

2)  Remember the Magic Ratio.
The Magic Ratio was pioneered by Dr. Daniel Gottman, a renowned psychologist with an extensive body of work.  He found and others have confirmed that the secret to any stable and flourishing relationship lies within the balance of positive and negative interactions.  Think of it as the PB&J of workplace interactions—a little sweetness goes a long way.

The findings reveal that in order for a relationship to be stable and healthy, a minimum of five positive interactions are required to offset the impact of a single negative encounter or a ratio of 5:1. 

Researchers Marcial Losada and Emily Heaphy found that high-performance teams exhibit a positivity-to-negativity ratio or P/N of around 6:1 with a "flourishing zone" they dubbed "The Losada Zone." 

While most of us 'get' how too much negativity can be bad for team dynamics, they found that we actually need negativity in order to flourish as a team.  But not just any negativity, "negativity" in the form of healthy, productive conflict and feedback. 

And, while we might think that 'always being positive' or having as much positivity as possible is a good thing, the research doesn't pan that out.  Too much positivity or even toxic positivity is actually not good for team dynamics either.  It's like finding the sweet spot between languishing in prison and the overwhelming exhilaration of bungee jumping off the Zhangjiajie Glass Bridge in China.

If you want to learn more about the Magic Ratio and the Losada Zone, I wrote about it here: Enhancing Leadership Success Through the Magic Ratio.

Keep in mind that feedback can be positive or critical/corrective.

3)  Prepare in advance, if possible.
Think of preparing your feedback as rehearsing for the big performance—you want to be ready to rock the feedback stage.  While it may not always be possible, taking a few short minutes to prepare will enhance feedback success.  Consider including things like your intention or why you're giving the feedback.  Jot down a few bullet points so that you don't miss anything (see below). 

4)  Do it quickly and frequently.
Whether you're delivering positive feedback (rewards and recognition) or critical/corrective feedback, the sooner, the better.  Giving timely feedback while memories are fresh have a greater impact and allow us to discover more about the behaviors and the circumstances that may have been driving them.  Don't wait until next month's one-on-one.  You don't want your feedback to be like forgetting to water a plant—don't wait until it's a shriveled mess to give it a drink.

Frequent feedback to everyone on your team builds a culture of both reward and recognition, where effective actions and results get rewarded, and accountability.  Not holding people accountable damages your credibility as a leader and it is a sure way to drive away, or at the least disengage, your high performers.   Think of delivering critical feedback as tending to your garden—you need to pull out the weeds while they're small before they take over. 

5)  Be specific.  Focus on vision, mission, values, goals and behaviors, not the person.
Feedback, at its core, is geared to either reinforce or discourage behaviors.  We reinforce behaviors that exemplify values and mission and promote and lead to goal achievement.  We discourage behaviors that are antithetical to our values or do not lead to goal achievement, like customer service, safety, efficiency, and quality.  Think of it as being the director of a play—you're critiquing the performance, not the actor.

So, be specific.  Name the behavior(s) and the impact they made on others, goals, culture, etc. Differentiate between facts about what happened, your thoughts and the stories in your head about it, how it made you feel, and what you actually want in the future.  This is called the Experience Cube.  Think of it as building a LEGO set—you need clear instructions to get the final masterpiece.

Name-calling and judgements about the person violate our number one strategy above.  Plus, nobody likes a workplace with more drama than a daytime soap opera.

6)  Approach with curiosity: Ask a question first.
This strategy helps you immensely with the previous one.  We are all subject to the confirmation bias.  When we're asked why we did something

7)  Approach feedback with compassion and empathy.
A new trend in leadership is integrating coaching techniques into your leadership—part of why you're there is to listen, understand, and help them grow.  Empathic listening and compassion are two strong tools to do that and you build psychological safety and strong relationships along the way.  They are also great for healthy, productive conflict and feedback. 

This takes extra energy, focus, and self-awareness.  You listen to understand and not to respond or judge.  You probe for deeper understanding and reflect back what others are saying to check that you got it right.  What you hear may sometimes actually cause you to pivot from your original feedback.  Think of this strategy as navigating through a maze—you may need to take a few twists and turns to reach the solution.

8)  Invite them to share their questions and any concerns.
As you wrap up, think of putting a cherry on top of the feedback sundae—the perfect ending to a constructive conversation.  You do that by inviting them to share any questions or concerns.  This allows further sharing, clarification, and understanding.  Then, go back full circle to your intention and why you gave the feedback and what you expect moving forward.

If it's positive feedback, close with the impact on mission, vision, values, and/or goals.  And no matter whether it was positive or constructive feedback, always close by thanking them in some way.

With these strategies in your toolkit, you're poised to revolutionize the way you deliver feedback.  So, buckle up and prepare to embark on a journey of growth, development, and perhaps, a little fun along the way.