Empathic Listening: Final Lessons

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Validation of your truth is the essence of respect.

JENNA RYAN

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We have been learning lessons about empathic or active listening for the past two weeks.  We finish that conversation this week. 

Two weeks ago in lesson one of empathic listening, we learned that silence is the foundation of empathic listening.  Last week, we discovered that lessons two and three were casting the bait and getting the story, respectively.

This week, we explore the final lessons of empathic listening:  Validation, Define the Problem, and Resolution.

Remember, that empathic listening is best used:

• When the other person is emotional (e.g., anxious, joyous),
• The subject matter seems to have great value or meaning for the other, or;
• The person is speaking from their heart.
  

Download my free infographic on empathic listening at the end!

Lesson #4:  Validate
Validation is the heart of not only great empathic listening, but of healthy human growth and development, wellbeing, and longevity. 

What is it?  Validation is communicating to another person, even a child, that their responses, particularly their emotional responses, are understandable given the situation or context of what they're going through or have been through. 

Sadly, it's not common enough.  Lack of validation as a child is associated with becoming emotionally dysregulated as an adult.  And as adults, not receiving it from friends has been found to be associated with shorter telomeres; an indicator of premature aging.  Invalidating relationships hurt us physically and emotionally.

What are some typical validations?  

• “It makes sense you feel…”
• “I think I would feel ‘X’ if that happened to me, too.”
• “I think anyone would feel ‘X’ if that happened to them.”
• "It makes sense that you feel that way."

Rarely, you might want to give someone an alternative perspective or add to what they just shared.  After you have validated their perspective, you might start by asking, "May I have your permission to add something to that?"

Emotions
Validation at its heart is emotional validation.  As we listen empathically, we stay particularly aware of emotions—both our own and those of the other.  Emotions guide us to meaning and are the motivator of behavior.  While there are differing views among experts and Disney revealed only five emotions in the wonderful movie, Inside Out, Dr. Paul Ekman's classic identification of six basic emotions remains the most elegant and simple:

• Enjoyment or joy
• Fear
• Sadness
• Anger
• Disgust
• Surprise (Disney missed this one!)

He also identified seven universal facial expressions of emotions including those above plus contempt.

So, having a heads-up to basic emotions, gives you the starting point language for anticipating what someone might be feeling as they describe their experience. 

Validation is one of the most powerful empathic listening tools, or what humanistic psychology calls, a reflective statement.  Hearing a validation or a reflective statement from someone can be extremely powerful.

Lesson #5: Define the Problem
You can validate at key points as someone tells you their story but at some point that story is going to start coming to a close.  When that happens, this is a time that you can unsilence your mind and prepare to define the problem.  To transition from Getting the Story and validation, you might say something like, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I'm understanding you correctly..." or "If I heard you right..."

Then, you are going to posit an overarching definition of the problem with a reflective statement. 

The basic formula for a reflective statement is, "You feel X because Y."  Variations could be:

• "If I understand this right, you’re feeling X because of Y."
• "It seems like the problem is…"
• "What you’re saying concerns you the most is X and it's making you feel Y."
• "If I had experienced [FILL IN THE BLANK],  I think I would feel [FILL IN THE BLANK], too."

I remember a time before Da Boys were born when a former boss used a reflective statement defining an issue I had at the time.  After I had shared my thoughts and feelings about my wife and I considering having a child, she said, “You must be a little frightened by the thought of having another child now that you’re a little older and already have grown kids.”  My heart warmed and I instantly felt freed.  I also felt deep appreciation for her understanding and caring.

The reason they are so powerful is that when you express a reflective statement, the other person hears their problem or situation as they are experiencing it from someone else.  It's usually the first time that someone expressed true understanding and communicated it back accurately.  It can be eye-opening. 

In response to such statements, you will often either hear a "Yes" or a "No."  Sometimes, even though you got it right and they realize that you did, just hearing it back can immediately reframe their perspective and they'll say "No" and adjust their response back to you.

The feeling of truly being listened to and understood fosters appreciation, admiration, and greater self-awareness.

Lesson #6:  The Solution
Charles Kettering once said, "A problem well-stated is a problem half solved."  That is true of a good reflective statement.  If you hear some type of affirmative response to your reflective statement,  the next thing to do in an empathic conversation is to help the person find a solution by asking any number of questions to get them started:

• "What have you tried so far to resolve this?"
• “What’s the best thing you can do under the circumstances?”
• What does moving forward look like?
• If when you went to sleep tonight a miracle occurred overnight and this was completely resolved/achieved… what would have had to have changed?
• What’s the first step?
• What are three ways to approach this? Which one feels like something you could do?
• “What are your best options for resolving this?”
• “What are the most constructive, productive actions you can take?"

And my personal favorite, The Overnight Miracle Question:  "If when you went to sleep tonight a miracle occurred overnight and when you woke up this was completely resolved (achieved)… What would have had to have changed?"

The empathic listener does not offer advice or easy solutions.  Instead, continue to use empathic listening to help someone arrive at their own solution.  As we empathically listen, reflect, and help clarify, the person reframes their problem more clearly and comes up with their own solution.   Solutions they hadn’t seen before may become readily apparent—and because they weren’t given advice, talked down to, judged, or given an easy solution to try, they now have strong ownership of the solution.
We can invite self-accountability with things like:

• Offering them a WWW:  "Who?  What?  When?"
• "How will you keep check on your progress?"
• "Who can support you in this?"
• ”What do you need?"
• "What more do you need?"
• "What obstacles might get in the way of you doing this?"
• "Do you believe you can do this?"

Finally, ask them to give you a recap or summary of their action-plan.

Benefits of Empathy
Research on empathy demonstrates clear benefits for both the speaker and the listener. 

As a leader who chooses to listen with empathy or love, we get to share the joys of others and feel good about giving someone an opportunity to talk about something important and resolve it.  Another perk is that we are prized by those we listen to.  They come to see us as someone who cares about them and understands them.  We are someone they can go to and rely on in times of need.

The benefits for the other who is being listened to, experience a profound feeling of being heard and understood.  This has a calming effect that facilitates further opening up, intimacy, and appreciation.  This fosters relationships – not just with us, but with others, as well.  They feel less alone and less isolated and more connected.  They feel happier and happier people are healthier, too.  Finally, empathic listening helps makes sense of a puzzling situation or experience.  They can more easily see solutions or steps towards solutions that they may have never seen before.  They get more work done.

Researchers report that empathic managers tended to have employees who reported less physical illness (somatic) complaints, were more positive and happy, and who felt like they made more progress on their daily work goals than employees of non-empathic managers did.

The Six Steps of Empathic Listening

1. Silence.  Silence is the foundation of empathic listening.  We must not only quiet our mouths but also silence our inner chatter—the thoughts, judgments, stories, and distractions that often clutter our minds. 
2. Cast the Bait. We start with noticing and asking if they would like to talk about it.
3. Get the Story.  Become like an investigative reporter and try to get the story.  Be curious and ask lots of questions that will help you and the person go deeper and co-discover everything you can about the problem or issue.  Use open-ended questions and avoid why questions.
4. Validate.  Communicating back to the person that their responses, particularly their emotional responses, are understandable given the situation or context of what they're going through or have been through. 
5. Define the Problem.  Posit an overarching definition of the problem with a reflective statement. 
6. Find Their Solution.  Use empathic listening to help someone arrive at their own solution.  Ask questions that help them define action steps, resources they'll need, how they will hold themselves accountable, and how they will know if they are successful.

Download my free infographic below.

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD

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Have an amazing journey today!

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Alan Mikolaj is a seasoned coach and leadership development consultant with nearly 20 years of experience.  He is passionate about helping leaders transform their leadership, their teams, and their organizations.  He has an impactful, professional approach driven by a passion for meaning and purpose, a growth mindset, and a commitment to excellence and service in order to drive change and results.

Alan holds his Master of Arts in Clinical Psychology and Associate Certified Coach credential with the International Coaching Federation (ICF) and maintains their ethics and standards of behavior, including the standards regarding confidentiality.  You can learn more about them on the ICF website.

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