In the ever-evolving journey of leadership, a new archetype has emerged, one that embodies the essence of love, service, and continuous growth.  Let me introduce you to Sarah, a fictional character who embodies the qualities of what we may call a New Millennial Leader.  As we embark on a journey through her leadership style, we'll uncover the transformative power of aligning vision, fostering genuine connections, and embracing the present moment.
 
Setting the Stage
Sarah's story begins with a childhood passion for music, a journey that taught her the art of discipline, concentration, and patience.  Just like mastering an instrument, leadership demands dedication and a willingness to learn.  As Eric Fromm aptly puts it when describing the art of love, leadership too is an art—one that requires awareness and continuous practice.
 
Defining the Journey
Sarah, our Modern Leader, is on a mission—a mission to serve others and contribute to something bigger than herself.  She understands that success isn't just about personal achievements but about making a meaningful impact on the lives of others. With her life mission, leadership philosophy, and core values always at the center, her Leadership GPS is always on.  She navigates through life with clarity, meaning, and purpose.
 
Living with Intention
Each day, Sarah takes time to reflect on her vision, mission, and purpose.  She doesn't just think about them; she feels them deeply, visualizing the manifestation of her goals and embracing the emotional fire that drives her forward. Through gratitude practices and self-awareness, she realigns herself whenever she strays off course, choosing positivity over negativity.
 
Leading with Love
At the core of Sarah's leadership philosophy is love and service—love for her work, love for her team, and love for humanity.  She listens empathically, communicates authentically, and nurtures genuine connections.  Her team feels valued, supported, and inspired to excel, knowing that their leader genuinely cares about their well-being.
 
Cultivating Integrity
Integrity is the cornerstone of Sarah's leadership.  She leads by example, upholding the highest ethical standards and fostering an environment of trust and accountability.  Her genuine demeanor and transparency inspire confidence in her team, creating a culture of integrity and excellence.
 
Embracing the Present
Sarah lives in the now, fully immersed in each moment. While she sets goals and plans for the future, she understands the importance of being present and adaptable. She forgives past mistakes, learns from them, and approaches each day with optimism and resilience.
 
Radiating Joy
Perhaps the most remarkable quality of Sarah is her happiness—a genuine, deep-seated joy that emanates from her being.  She finds joy in the simplest of moments, spreading positivity wherever she goes.  Her infectious energy uplifts those around her, creating a ripple effect of happiness and fulfillment.
 
Becoming a New Millennial Leader
As Lao-tzu wisely said, "The greatest leaders are those the people hardly know exist." Sarah epitomizes this sentiment, leading with humility, compassion, and grace.  Her journey serves as an inspiration for us all to become a New Millennial Leader—leaders who prioritize love, service, and growth in every aspect of their lives.
 
Do you want to make a profound impact?
In a world hungry for authentic leadership, Sarah stands as a beacon of hope—a reminder that true leadership is not about titles or accolades but about the profound impact we have on the lives of others.  As we embark on our own leadership journey, may we strive to embody the qualities of Sarah—a New Millennial Leader who leads with love, serves with humility, and inspires with authenticity.

We have been learning lessons about empathic or active listening for the past two weeks.  We finish that conversation this week. 

Two weeks ago in lesson one of empathic listening, we learned that silence is the foundation of empathic listening.  Last week, we discovered that lessons two and three were casting the bait and getting the story, respectively.

This week, we explore the final lessons of empathic listening:  Validation, Define the Problem, and Resolution.

Remember, that empathic listening is best used:

• When the other person is emotional (e.g., anxious, joyous),
• The subject matter seems to have great value or meaning for the other, or;
• The person is speaking from their heart.
  

Download my free infographic on empathic listening at the end!

Lesson #4:  Validate
Validation is the heart of not only great empathic listening, but of healthy human growth and development, wellbeing, and longevity. 

What is it?  Validation is communicating to another person, even a child, that their responses, particularly their emotional responses, are understandable given the situation or context of what they're going through or have been through. 

Sadly, it's not common enough.  Lack of validation as a child is associated with becoming emotionally dysregulated as an adult.  And as adults, not receiving it from friends has been found to be associated with shorter telomeres; an indicator of premature aging.  Invalidating relationships hurt us physically and emotionally.

What are some typical validations?  

• “It makes sense you feel…”
• “I think I would feel ‘X’ if that happened to me, too.”
• “I think anyone would feel ‘X’ if that happened to them.”
• "It makes sense that you feel that way."

Rarely, you might want to give someone an alternative perspective or add to what they just shared.  After you have validated their perspective, you might start by asking, "May I have your permission to add something to that?"

Emotions
Validation at its heart is emotional validation.  As we listen empathically, we stay particularly aware of emotions—both our own and those of the other.  Emotions guide us to meaning and are the motivator of behavior.  While there are differing views among experts and Disney revealed only five emotions in the wonderful movie, Inside Out, Dr. Paul Ekman's classic identification of six basic emotions remains the most elegant and simple:

• Enjoyment or joy
• Fear
• Sadness
• Anger
• Disgust
• Surprise (Disney missed this one!)

He also identified seven universal facial expressions of emotions including those above plus contempt.

So, having a heads-up to basic emotions, gives you the starting point language for anticipating what someone might be feeling as they describe their experience. 

Validation is one of the most powerful empathic listening tools, or what humanistic psychology calls, a reflective statement.  Hearing a validation or a reflective statement from someone can be extremely powerful.

Lesson #5: Define the Problem
You can validate at key points as someone tells you their story but at some point that story is going to start coming to a close.  When that happens, this is a time that you can unsilence your mind and prepare to define the problem.  To transition from Getting the Story and validation, you might say something like, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I'm understanding you correctly..." or "If I heard you right..."

Then, you are going to posit an overarching definition of the problem with a reflective statement. 

The basic formula for a reflective statement is, "You feel X because Y."  Variations could be:

• "If I understand this right, you’re feeling X because of Y."
• "It seems like the problem is…"
• "What you’re saying concerns you the most is X and it's making you feel Y."
• "If I had experienced [FILL IN THE BLANK],  I think I would feel [FILL IN THE BLANK], too."

I remember a time before Da Boys were born when a former boss used a reflective statement defining an issue I had at the time.  After I had shared my thoughts and feelings about my wife and I considering having a child, she said, “You must be a little frightened by the thought of having another child now that you’re a little older and already have grown kids.”  My heart warmed and I instantly felt freed.  I also felt deep appreciation for her understanding and caring.

The reason they are so powerful is that when you express a reflective statement, the other person hears their problem or situation as they are experiencing it from someone else.  It's usually the first time that someone expressed true understanding and communicated it back accurately.  It can be eye-opening. 

In response to such statements, you will often either hear a "Yes" or a "No."  Sometimes, even though you got it right and they realize that you did, just hearing it back can immediately reframe their perspective and they'll say "No" and adjust their response back to you.

The feeling of truly being listened to and understood fosters appreciation, admiration, and greater self-awareness.

Lesson #6:  The Solution
Charles Kettering once said, "A problem well-stated is a problem half solved."  That is true of a good reflective statement.  If you hear some type of affirmative response to your reflective statement,  the next thing to do in an empathic conversation is to help the person find a solution by asking any number of questions to get them started:

• "What have you tried so far to resolve this?"
• “What’s the best thing you can do under the circumstances?”
• What does moving forward look like?
• If when you went to sleep tonight a miracle occurred overnight and this was completely resolved/achieved… what would have had to have changed?
• What’s the first step?
• What are three ways to approach this? Which one feels like something you could do?
• “What are your best options for resolving this?”
• “What are the most constructive, productive actions you can take?"

And my personal favorite, The Overnight Miracle Question:  "If when you went to sleep tonight a miracle occurred overnight and when you woke up this was completely resolved (achieved)… What would have had to have changed?"

The empathic listener does not offer advice or easy solutions.  Instead, continue to use empathic listening to help someone arrive at their own solution.  As we empathically listen, reflect, and help clarify, the person reframes their problem more clearly and comes up with their own solution.   Solutions they hadn’t seen before may become readily apparent—and because they weren’t given advice, talked down to, judged, or given an easy solution to try, they now have strong ownership of the solution.
We can invite self-accountability with things like:

• Offering them a WWW:  "Who?  What?  When?"
• "How will you keep check on your progress?"
• "Who can support you in this?"
• ”What do you need?"
• "What more do you need?"
• "What obstacles might get in the way of you doing this?"
• "Do you believe you can do this?"

Finally, ask them to give you a recap or summary of their action-plan.

Benefits of Empathy
Research on empathy demonstrates clear benefits for both the speaker and the listener. 

As a leader who chooses to listen with empathy or love, we get to share the joys of others and feel good about giving someone an opportunity to talk about something important and resolve it.  Another perk is that we are prized by those we listen to.  They come to see us as someone who cares about them and understands them.  We are someone they can go to and rely on in times of need.

The benefits for the other who is being listened to, experience a profound feeling of being heard and understood.  This has a calming effect that facilitates further opening up, intimacy, and appreciation.  This fosters relationships – not just with us, but with others, as well.  They feel less alone and less isolated and more connected.  They feel happier and happier people are healthier, too.  Finally, empathic listening helps makes sense of a puzzling situation or experience.  They can more easily see solutions or steps towards solutions that they may have never seen before.  They get more work done.

Researchers report that empathic managers tended to have employees who reported less physical illness (somatic) complaints, were more positive and happy, and who felt like they made more progress on their daily work goals than employees of non-empathic managers did.

The Six Steps of Empathic Listening

1. Silence.  Silence is the foundation of empathic listening.  We must not only quiet our mouths but also silence our inner chatter—the thoughts, judgments, stories, and distractions that often clutter our minds. 
2. Cast the Bait. We start with noticing and asking if they would like to talk about it.
3. Get the Story.  Become like an investigative reporter and try to get the story.  Be curious and ask lots of questions that will help you and the person go deeper and co-discover everything you can about the problem or issue.  Use open-ended questions and avoid why questions.
4. Validate.  Communicating back to the person that their responses, particularly their emotional responses, are understandable given the situation or context of what they're going through or have been through. 
5. Define the Problem.  Posit an overarching definition of the problem with a reflective statement. 
6. Find Their Solution.  Use empathic listening to help someone arrive at their own solution.  Ask questions that help them define action steps, resources they'll need, how they will hold themselves accountable, and how they will know if they are successful.

Download my free infographic below.

We continue our exploration of the art of listening and how to leverage its transformative power in our personal and professional lives.  To that effect, I want to back up just a bit.

I want to say that while empathic listening can be used any time, it is best reserved for times when someone is emotionally charged (positive or negative) and/or when the subject matter is deeply important to the individual.  While we most often associate empathic listening with negative issues, feelings, and experiences, you can absolutely celebrate something wonderful someone has experienced using empathic or active listening techniques.

We learned last week that silence is the foundation of empathic listening and curiosity just might be the first brick to lay on that foundation.  So with that in mind, how do I even start an empathic conversation with someone?

Empathic Listening Lesson #2: Casting the Bait
Some people are secretly and quietly (maybe even desperately), wanting someone to talk to about an issue.  Others are not.  If you have suspicions or outright evidence that someone might need someone to talk to and truly listen to them, we start with curiosity by casting the bait.  We start with noticing.  Start by saying or asking something like:

• "It seems like you have some concerns about... "
• "It sounds like you're... "
• "I've noticed that... "
• “I was wondering what your thoughts were about… ”
• "Would you like to talk about it?"

Opening up by casting the bait demonstrates dignity and respect for someone.  We aren't assuming anything.  We approach with curiosity and sensitivity for the other.  We are creating a potential sacred space for them, if they want it.

If they take the bait and want to talk, they will.  If not, we respect that and say something like, “My door is always open if you change your mind.”

Empathic Listening Lesson #3:  Get the Story
Dr. Stephen Covey famously said "Diagnose before you prescribe."  Every single profession that involves any type of problem-solving—law, medicine, sales, etc.—without exception, always first seeks to understand before taking any action.  Understanding always precedes judgement.  Lawyers go through a discovery process, which often includes building the opposing arguments case, too.  Doctors examine, test, and diagnose before they prescribe drugs or treatment.  Educators often do pre-assessment testing before teaching.

Most people don't listen to understand.  They listen to reply or to influence or get their way.  So like we said last week, when we actively listen, not only must we be curious, we have to be silent.  Not just physically silent, but quiet our mind, our judgements, and any urge to reply with our own stories, too.  So, we become like an investigative reporter and try to get the story.  And what do good investigative reporters do?  They ask questions and then shut up and let the person talk.

Some general guidelines as you start an empathic conversation:

• If you're not in an appropriate place, offer to move to one that is.
• Be mindful of personal space.
• Use open and genuine body language.
• Pay attention to your tone of voice.

Then, help the person start to tell their story by asking questions like these:

• “What seems to be the problem?”
• “What happened?”
• “Who…?”
• “How long?”
• “When…?”
• “What did you do?”
• “What broke the camel’s back?”

Help them to clarify their experience, thoughts, feelings, things that happened—their perspective of the issue or event(s).

Avoid "Why?" questions.  Why avoid why questions?  What word starts the answer to almost every 'why' question?  Because.  And the word because is a defense and the last thing we want someone to do during active listening is to become defensive.  Defensiveness is the first stage of anxiety, anger, and crisis.

Use the 7-Second Rule after asking a question.  Wait for seven seconds before saying or asking anything else.  Instead, try something like, “I can’t hear what you’re thinking.”  Use “Really?” “Uh-huh…” “I see…” “Hmmm..” often. 

As they speak, let go of your own thoughts, what you would do, how it would make you feel, etc.  Dig deep into what happened and how that was for them.  Avoid the temptation to share your “Bigger Fish” story and don't offer possible solutions or give advice.

Use open-ended questions to further discussion and exploration.  Closed-ended (yes/no) questions tend to close down discussion.  For every level of volume the person goes up, step down your volume one level.  Ask questions that help them gain perspective.

After key statements or conclusions, it's okay to use paraphrasing or even repeating back what someone has said and then pausing to see how it lands. 

Avoid and be wary of saying exaggerating words like must, should, always, and never.  And when someone else uses them, consider just mirroring back the single exaggerating word in the form of a question.  For example:

• She says, "He never takes out the trash!"
• You ask, "Never?" and let silence hang.

Finally, don't assume what someone else is thinking or feeling.  Be non-judgmental. 

When we integrate these strategies into our active or empathic listening conversations, we create a safe and sacred space for both people; one where someone can truly share without judgement, advice, or having it contaminated by someone else's story. 

Just remember, it's not about the nail.

It was late Monday morning as I drove into a haven nestled in the Texas Medical Center: St. Dominic Village.  It's a Catholic retirement and retreat facility and the peace was palpable as I drove towards the Joseph A. Fiorenza Priest Residence building.  I was going to meet an old friend who I had met many years ago when I was in the seminary and hadn't seen in some years. 

As I cozied into a soft couch, we began to talk and catch-up.  After a few minutes, I suddenly became aware that he was doing something I routinely do in coaching: He was really listening.  It felt like the tables had been pleasantly turned on me.  I hadn't been listened to like that in a while.  He would ask a question and then be silent—not just physically silent, but it was apparent that his mind and spirit were quiet too; listening without judgement or agenda.  I was given a rare gift that day and I am grateful for it and I am grateful for him and his friendship.

The Anagram of Empathic Listening
Silence is the foundation of empathic listening.  It's intriguing how the words silent and listen share the same letters, emphasizing the symbiotic relationship between the two.  To truly listen like my friend did with me, we must not only quiet our mouths but also silence our inner chatter—the thoughts, judgments, stories, and distractions that often clutter our minds. 

The Bigger Fish Story Syndrome
Consider the phenomenon of the "Bigger Fish Story Syndrome," when instead of fully engaging with the speaker, we're preoccupied with formulating our response or recounting our own experiences, usually to one-up them.  While I'm telling you about the big fish I caught this past weekend, you're already gearing up in your mind about the bigger fish you caught a year ago.

This self-centered approach inhibits genuine communication, perpetuating what psychologist Carolyn Schwartz aptly terms the "dyadic monologue culture."  I share something that's bothering me and you say, "That's too bad.  Let me talk about what's bothering me." 

Bracketing
True listening requires discipline, as psychiatrist Dr. M. Scott  Peck suggests.  He called it bracketing, "the temporary giving up or setting aside of one’s own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker’s world from the inside, inside his or her shoes.”  By embracing this practice, we create an open space for curiosity and new knowledge, respect, appreciation, and growth.

In his poignant description, psychologist Dan Gottlieb highlights the transformative power of silence for him, "There was a new silence inside me, and in the silence I was able to hear people’s hearts.  We can only hear with our heart when the noises of the ego are quiet.  That’s when we’re open...  It can be found when we listen with our hearts." 

Thus, to listen effectively, we must heed the anagram of listen and be silent, allowing us to listen with our hearts.

Stress, Executive Functioning, & Listening
The executive functions of the frontal lobes play a pivotal role in empathic listening.  In addition to the higher abilities of conceptual thinking, recognizing and learning patterns, decision-making, planning, and organization, one of the most important executive functions of the frontal lobe is inhibition.  It is because of our frontal lobes that we can inhibit and delay thoughts and actions in order to delay higher-order gratification and outcomes.  That is why empathic listening is such work.  We have to make the choice to inhibit our thoughts, emotions, and actions—one of the highest functions of our intellect—and that will take practice.

Stress and other negative states and emotions restricts blood flow to our frontal lobes, and therefore, impedes the functioning of our executive functions.  So, like my friend, we must quiet our mouth, our mind, our heart, and our spirit in order to fully empathically listen.

Meditate to Regenerate
To hone our empathic listening skills, we can cultivate mindfulness through practices like breath work, meditation, contemplation, and yoga.  By focusing on our breath and clearing our minds, we reduce stress and enhance our ability to silence distractions and attune ourselves to others.

Basic meditation offers a simple yet powerful technique to cultivate silence and enhance inhibition.  By dedicating just five to ten minutes daily to mindful breathing and awareness, we prepare ourselves to be better listeners, creating an empty space that invites genuine connection and understanding.

In the realm of empathic listening, silence isn't empty; it's full of potential.  It's a space where hearts connect, minds engage, and understanding blossoms. So let's embrace the silent art of listening and unlock its transformative power in our personal and professional lives.

The most effective leaders are committed to developing their team members and helping them reach professional goals—and let's be real, helping them to be more successful means you can all go out for fancier team lunches. 

And the bedrock of developing direct reports?  Feedback — effective feedback.

Knowing how to effectively deliver feedback not only grows and develops your team, it boosts engagement, team success, and your reputation as a leader. Plus, it reduces the chances of you hiding in the break room to avoid awkward encounters.

But how do you deliver effective feedback?
Below are  eight tips or strategies to use as a springboard to help you deliver more effective feedback.

1)  Create a psychologically safe environment and team culture.
Dedication to creating psychological safety is a must for effective feedback.  Elif Suner, a member of the Forbes Coaches Council, said in a recent article, "This dedication to psychological safety guarantees that direct reports will not only accept feedback, but also embrace it with warmth and openness."

By encouraging the sharing of ideas and perspectives without the fear of repercussions and encouraging healthy and productive conflict and discussions, you lay the groundwork for providing feedback in a safe, goal-oriented manner.

You can learn more about creating a psychologically safe workplace in this article from the Center for Creative Leadership:  What Is Psychological Safety at Work? How Leaders Can Build Psychologically Safe Workplaces.

2)  Remember the Magic Ratio.
The Magic Ratio was pioneered by Dr. Daniel Gottman, a renowned psychologist with an extensive body of work.  He found and others have confirmed that the secret to any stable and flourishing relationship lies within the balance of positive and negative interactions.  Think of it as the PB&J of workplace interactions—a little sweetness goes a long way.

The findings reveal that in order for a relationship to be stable and healthy, a minimum of five positive interactions are required to offset the impact of a single negative encounter or a ratio of 5:1. 

Researchers Marcial Losada and Emily Heaphy found that high-performance teams exhibit a positivity-to-negativity ratio or P/N of around 6:1 with a "flourishing zone" they dubbed "The Losada Zone." 

While most of us 'get' how too much negativity can be bad for team dynamics, they found that we actually need negativity in order to flourish as a team.  But not just any negativity, "negativity" in the form of healthy, productive conflict and feedback. 

And, while we might think that 'always being positive' or having as much positivity as possible is a good thing, the research doesn't pan that out.  Too much positivity or even toxic positivity is actually not good for team dynamics either.  It's like finding the sweet spot between languishing in prison and the overwhelming exhilaration of bungee jumping off the Zhangjiajie Glass Bridge in China.

If you want to learn more about the Magic Ratio and the Losada Zone, I wrote about it here: Enhancing Leadership Success Through the Magic Ratio.

Keep in mind that feedback can be positive or critical/corrective.

3)  Prepare in advance, if possible.
Think of preparing your feedback as rehearsing for the big performance—you want to be ready to rock the feedback stage.  While it may not always be possible, taking a few short minutes to prepare will enhance feedback success.  Consider including things like your intention or why you're giving the feedback.  Jot down a few bullet points so that you don't miss anything (see below). 

4)  Do it quickly and frequently.
Whether you're delivering positive feedback (rewards and recognition) or critical/corrective feedback, the sooner, the better.  Giving timely feedback while memories are fresh have a greater impact and allow us to discover more about the behaviors and the circumstances that may have been driving them.  Don't wait until next month's one-on-one.  You don't want your feedback to be like forgetting to water a plant—don't wait until it's a shriveled mess to give it a drink.

Frequent feedback to everyone on your team builds a culture of both reward and recognition, where effective actions and results get rewarded, and accountability.  Not holding people accountable damages your credibility as a leader and it is a sure way to drive away, or at the least disengage, your high performers.   Think of delivering critical feedback as tending to your garden—you need to pull out the weeds while they're small before they take over. 

5)  Be specific.  Focus on vision, mission, values, goals and behaviors, not the person.
Feedback, at its core, is geared to either reinforce or discourage behaviors.  We reinforce behaviors that exemplify values and mission and promote and lead to goal achievement.  We discourage behaviors that are antithetical to our values or do not lead to goal achievement, like customer service, safety, efficiency, and quality.  Think of it as being the director of a play—you're critiquing the performance, not the actor.

So, be specific.  Name the behavior(s) and the impact they made on others, goals, culture, etc. Differentiate between facts about what happened, your thoughts and the stories in your head about it, how it made you feel, and what you actually want in the future.  This is called the Experience Cube.  Think of it as building a LEGO set—you need clear instructions to get the final masterpiece.

Name-calling and judgements about the person violate our number one strategy above.  Plus, nobody likes a workplace with more drama than a daytime soap opera.

6)  Approach with curiosity: Ask a question first.
This strategy helps you immensely with the previous one.  We are all subject to the confirmation bias.  When we're asked why we did something

7)  Approach feedback with compassion and empathy.
A new trend in leadership is integrating coaching techniques into your leadership—part of why you're there is to listen, understand, and help them grow.  Empathic listening and compassion are two strong tools to do that and you build psychological safety and strong relationships along the way.  They are also great for healthy, productive conflict and feedback. 

This takes extra energy, focus, and self-awareness.  You listen to understand and not to respond or judge.  You probe for deeper understanding and reflect back what others are saying to check that you got it right.  What you hear may sometimes actually cause you to pivot from your original feedback.  Think of this strategy as navigating through a maze—you may need to take a few twists and turns to reach the solution.

8)  Invite them to share their questions and any concerns.
As you wrap up, think of putting a cherry on top of the feedback sundae—the perfect ending to a constructive conversation.  You do that by inviting them to share any questions or concerns.  This allows further sharing, clarification, and understanding.  Then, go back full circle to your intention and why you gave the feedback and what you expect moving forward.

If it's positive feedback, close with the impact on mission, vision, values, and/or goals.  And no matter whether it was positive or constructive feedback, always close by thanking them in some way.

With these strategies in your toolkit, you're poised to revolutionize the way you deliver feedback.  So, buckle up and prepare to embark on a journey of growth, development, and perhaps, a little fun along the way.